Added: Edward Pullman - Date: 09.11.2021 09:08 - Views: 43965 - Clicks: 7748
Many of us miss the early excitement and lust that often vanishes in long-term relationships. We can even think there is something "wrong with us" when our connection with our partner isn't "passionate, urgent and romantic" as depicted in Hollywood films and on social media, explains couple's therapist Isiah McKimmie. The truth is, you'll never get back the same spark you once had, relationship counsellor Paul Gale-Baker says, but there is something more meaningful to be celebrated.
Here's a friendly reminder of what you're probably overlooking while busy searching for the piping hot flame you once had.
How long it lasts depends on the individual couple, but it can be anywhere from six months to a few years. How we move through the next phases of a relationship is dependent on our own history, circumstances and mental health, Ms McKimmie says. Labels for those phases will depend on what self-help book you read, but commonly there is the passionate love in the beginning, moving into companionate love.
Mr Gale-Baker prefers to avoid labels — particularly companionship — because it prompts images of "elderly couples who are just happy to sit in the same room together". He says it's when the bond really begins, moving from a period of attraction to an "actual relationship". And it's not just time that causes the sparkle to disappear. Life events like having children can also impact sexual chemistry. He says it's not black and white, but generally women are looking for a deeper connection sooner.
He says a lot of people are also guilty of spending too much time thinking about what they can get out of a relationship, rather than what they can bring to it. While it's certainly possible to maintain a passionate relationship in the long term, wanting things to "go back to how they were is probably unrealistic", warns Ms McKimmie. Realising the spark isn't the point of a relationship, but rather what helps it form in the first place can help us appreciate the changing connection, Mr Gale-Baker says.
To maintain a level of passion, albeit different to the fireworks you may have felt on first meeting, he recommends being curious about one another. Finding a t hobby and being willing to talk about difficult things will also bring you closer, he says. What's important to remember is there can "still be a spark, it's just a different spark," Mr Gale-Baker says. Get our newsletter for the best of ABC Everyday each week. ABC Everyday helps you navigate life's challenges and choices so you can stay on top of the things that matter to you.
We acknowledge Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples as the First Australians and Traditional Custodians of the lands where we live, learn and work. ABC Everyday. Print content Print with images and other media. Print text only. Print Cancel. The 'honeymoon phase' dies eventually and we all need to accept that "Heightened feelings of passions and sexual drive" best describe the honeymoon period, Ms McKimmie says. Couples doing long distance, for example, will likely feel it for longer, Mr Gale-Baker says. What spark do we lose and how do we deal with that loss?
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